


broken past just fills me up

by whiffingbooks



Category: Shades of Magic - V. E. Schwab
Genre: Book 2: A Gathering of Shadows, Calla POV, F/M, Idiots in Love, the most superior ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:54:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29193369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiffingbooks/pseuds/whiffingbooks
Summary: "I'm afraid, the debt is still unpaid." She didn't want to hurt him, but she also didn't want to hide it.Master Kell smiled sadly. "I know. It seems it shall remain unpaid for some time."(What Calla meant when she said Kell visited her shop for the debt).
Relationships: Delilah Bard/Kell Maresh
Comments: 7
Kudos: 23





	broken past just fills me up

**Author's Note:**

> When I started reading the Shades of Magic, I didn't expect to fall in love with it. However, it stole my heart and the mutual pining nearly killed me. So, I thought "Why not write something?" and after ages, I could manage to write so much in one sitting.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Follow me on [whiffingbooks](https://whiffingbooks.tumblr.com/)

Calla didn't forget Lila, but she put her out of her mind.

It wasn't hard to do. The palace and the Night Market had suffered a heavy blow, the magic from Black London having killed more men than they had lost in ages. Calla was afraid to return to her shop, a fear she pushed to the side as the King announced Prince Rhy's recovery and Master Kell's innocence.

Upon hearing Master Kell was the one who had bought the foreign, destructive magic into their lands, her heart sank. She didn't blame him - she never could, she liked the _Antari_ too much - but she was surrounded by people who either wanted him dead or just gone.

" _Aven_ ," her neighbour, a woman named Nadia, hissed. " _An reskon!_ "

_A danger._

Calla was a docile woman. She was irritated at how everyone turned around and blamed the young man, but she didn't say anything. She also didn't blame Nadia for her anger. Nadia had lost her husband to the disease. If Calla was in her position, she might have blamed Master Kell too.

So, she continued with her stall, pausing only when she took down her wares for the Masquerade and spotted the missing horned mask.

Soundlessly, she prayed for Lila Bard's safety.

* * *

The bells rang as someone set foot into her shop.

" _An esto!_ " She called out, wrangling the stubborn, gaudy cloak back into its place. She knew it was going to be sold fast, but she never liked making things just for appearance. Wiping her hands on her dress, she whirled around, the greeting dying at the sight of auburn hair.

Master Kell.

" _Avan_." He was dressed in common black garbs he usually wore when he was trying to evade the public. A brown hat topped his auburn locks, pulled down to hide his eyes - one blue and the other absolutely black.

" _Avan_." She bowed low, smiling at how he was shuffling back and forth. The boy was never comfortable when people treated him as the prince.

" _As esher tan ves?_ " His gaze flittered around, halting at the ceremonial cloaks she hadn't had the time to remove.

"Yes, my prince," she replied in High Royal. She shuffled forward, ready to usher him inside when she noticed two guards tailing him. They were standing at the mouth of the entrance; the younger one was fidgeting, the older seemed to be built of stone.

Must be the King's orders.

After all, it had only been a week since the kingdom was attacked. Although Master Kell saved them, he must have angered his parents with his recklessness.

 _Good that they're taking his protection seriously, but they shouldn't have chosen one so dour,_ she thought, blanching at her unkind words.

"Calla, I have come for business. I believe my friend borrowed some clothes from you..." He trailed off, an odd look crossing his face.

"Yes! Lila borrowed an outfit for the Masquerade," she said cheerfully. "How did you find her outfit?"

Master Kell coloured. He cleared his throat. "She looked quite good."

Calla was disappointed with his lacklustre response.

"Good?" She asked, aghast. "She told me you would love her outfit. Oh, I knew that she should have chosen a dress! Still, she was -"

"I loved it!" He waved his hands. "She was right! She looked -"

He stopped and gulped. Not meeting her gaze, he finished, "-magnificent."

Calla beamed at him. "I'm honored to have served your friend." She wanted to glean information, but the poor boy looked like he wanted to dissolve into the floor. Maybe he even could. She didn't know much about _Antari_ magic.

"Your work was flawless as usual." He grinned.

She blushed. "I admit I thought Lila would be with you," she said.

His smile faded. Her heart thudded to see his face fill with longing and helplessness.

"She's gone. Probably, out in the sea." He stared at a navy blue coat dangling from the ceiling. She didn't break the silence, giving him time to gather his thoughts. Finally, he spoke, "I'm here to settle the debt."

"No," she said firmly.

He blinked, his face reminding her of a fish's. She hoped her face didn't betray her amusement lest he thought she was laughing at his expense. Which she was.

"But..."

"Master Kell, Lila was very particular that she would settle her debt for her things," she chided him. "Also, I don't think she would like it if you don't respect her wishes. She'd be cross when she returns."

"And what if she doesn't return?" He challenged. Calla would have thought he was angry at her defiance if not for the way his jaw was clenching and his eye was fixated on her. He looked desperate. Like, he didn't dare hope she might be right.

She smiled. "Of course she'll be back, Master Kell. After all, you're here."

He stood like a statue for a few moments before nodding rigidly.

"I should go. My guards," he grimaced, "are close to heckling me out."

She bowed again, ignoring his hands that stretched out to stop her. Everyone should curtsey the royalty, although Master Kell hated it.

" _Anoshe_."

He slid out, hesitating a little before saying, "Next time, I'll take a look around, Calla. Buy a few garbs."

"Your presence is appreciated anytime," she called out, but he had vanished out of sight.

 _Tsking_ , she went back to her work. Master Kell was indeed a strange boy.

* * *

She was both surprised and unfazed when he returned a week later, this time flanked by only the younger, tetchy guard.

" _Avan_ , Master Kell!" She greeted him.

" _Avan_ , Calla." He smiled uncertainly. "How are you?" He asked in Arnesian.

"Oh, I'm fine," she responded in High Royal.

"I hope I'm not interrupting -"

"You're not, my prince. However, I would like it if you speak to me in High Royal." She smiled. "I don't have many people to practice with. I'm afraid I would get out of practice."

He laughed, but she was shocked to see the dark shadows under his eyes. He looked paler than usual, his shoulders hunched even more. He was dressed in the colours red and gold - the colours of Maresh family - but he seemed uncomfortable. He hadn't entered this time, having met her outside when she was returning from the nearest bakery. She was rather fond of the bread there, filled with nuts and richness, and occasionally indulged in it. She didn't realize he was standing at the mouth of the tent, but perhaps she should have - the people were trying their hardest to avoid him, shooting him looks of distrust and fear.

"Are you well, Master Kell?" She prodded gently, throwing a questioning glance at the youthful guard who shrugged.

The prince stiffened. "I'm fine."

"Oh," she didn't know what to say that.

He shoved his hands inside his pockets, shuffling his feet. "I wanted to ask you about the debt."

Understanding what he was here for, she smiled, her heart aching for the boy.

"Not yet, I'm afraid." She wanted to give him some hope but didn't know how she could. For the first time, she felt a bit piqued at Lila for leaving, but she immediately chided herself for being unreasonable. _Lila must be suffering like Master Kell was._

His shoulders slouched yet he quirked a smile. "Not going to accept payment from me?"

She shook her head.

"You must not pay someone else's debts."

He nodded. Pointing towards the palace, he said, "I am to meet the Prince shortly. I thought I would check up on you. I must go now."

"Can you spare a minute?" She didn't give him time to answer. She stepped inside her shop, unwrapping her bread. The nutty smell wafted into the air, intensifying as she carved a generous amount. Wrapping up the piece in a spare cloth, she stepped out, happy to see Master Kell and his guard still at their positions, albeit with confused expressions on their faces.

"Here." She handed him the bread.

"Calla -"

"You don't say no to food, Master Kell. Besides, it's not a gift. It's something to warm you up."

He chuckled, hesitantly taking the package. "It's not yet winter."

"Winter isn't the only thing that brings cold." His eyes snapped towards her, softening under her reassuring gaze.

"Thank you. I must go." He didn't want to, it was quite clear, but duty was calling him.

"Do drop in for some tea every now and then," she called out cheerfully after him as he headed towards the palace.

* * *

It became a weekly tradition.

He dropped in once a week, hesitatingly asking whether the debt had been paid, disappointed every time he hears her say no. However, he seemed happier in the few moments he was inside her shop, shedding the mantle of the Prince who brought calamity in their kingdom. Calla was flattered to see he was comfortable with her. She was already fond of Master Kell. Now, she felt somehow responsible for him.

She wanted to laugh at that. Responsible? For an _Antari_?

But staring at his deepening shadows under his eyes and his sad eyes, she couldn't help feeling she was the one of the few who saw him as he was. A boy who was at the edge of running away from his problems.

After seeing the treatment meted out to him, she didn't blame him.

He stayed and had tea for the first time after the fourth visit.

"You shouldn't have," she scolded despite her stomach growling at the sight of her favourite bread and some meat pies.

Master Kell waved his hands. "Might as well use the _lin_ for some good. Eat up, Calla. Are you hungry, Hastra?" He asked the last part loudly in Arnesian. From outside of her shop, Hastra answered, "Not really."

"You can join us." She felt bad about the poor guard standing outside yet she knew the prince would not speak freely if he was present.

"I'll keep an eye out. We do have to return within an hour, _mas vares_."

"Yes, yes. I'll gulp down the tea, Hastra."

She smiled, pouring a generous amount of tea in both the cups. Master Kell remained seated, waiting for her to serve him. Others might find him entitled, but she knew he was trying to stay out of the way. He was afraid to mess up.

She cut slices of the bread and handed him his cup and a plate full of baked goods. He took them from her gratefully and waited for her to serve hers. Her heart softened even more at that. In another life, she would have taken the boy in as her son, or simply someone to take care of.

But he was the Prince and she couldn't do anything.

"I'm afraid, the debt is still unpaid." She didn't want to hurt him, but she also didn't want to hide it.

Master Kell smiled sadly. "I know. It seems it shall remain unpaid for some time."

"Oh, don't lose hope."

"I'm not."

Her eyebrows raised. She bit into her pastry, the rich taste of lemons flooding her mouth. _It is a costly treat_ , she thought ruefully.

"It is going to take time. I need to be patient." He grimaced, blowing on his tea. "I used to think I was patient."

"Patience for love is hard to come." She took a sip. She had to open her shop again in half an hour. Good thing the business was slow going at this time. She wanted to enjoy a few minutes' peace.

" _Tac!_ " He coughed, setting down his cup. Still coughing, he choked out, "Lila and I-we're just friends."

She smiled at his stammering. "Lila told me that too. Friends do seem to be what you are."

"But we are! We're friends!" His eyes were wide, a boyish look of panic crossing his face. She took mercy on him.

"Master Kell, there are all kinds of love. Are you saying you don't love her?"

He opened his mouth, closing it again after a few minutes' silence. His expression was of realization, a horrible one too. She wondered whether he had ever thought about his feelings.

"I don't - I can't - We have known each other for a little while," he protested weakly, his voice indicating he didn't believe his excuses.

She decided it was kinder to let him think when he was alone, not being questioned by a woman who was too invested in his life.

"Tell me about Prince Rhy. I've heard tales about you two getting in trouble in one of those seedy bars last week."

Master Kell looked grateful at the topic change, but she knew she had planted a seed that was going to blossom into a tree.

* * *

"I lost my husband to the sea," she said, unprompted.

More than two months of correspondence and it was the first time he was buying something from her place. He had ventured into her place before the plague, but he wasn't a regular. She figured he was not too fond of clothes.

Even now, he was choosing cloaks for his brother. She was sure he was also escaping something - he looked awful today, like he hadn't slept for days and eaten for even less, his pallid complexion contrasting greatly with his mussed, uncombed hair - but she hadn't asked him.

It was none of her business. She had fed him some leftover pie and tea. Now, they were going through countless cloaks when she finally told him the tale she held close to her heart.

As she expected, he halted.

"What?" His voice was rough from little usage, his eyes dull with fatigue.

"I lost my husband to the sea," she repeated. She picked out a gold cloak suitable for Prince Rhy.

"How?" His breath rattled.

She smiled though there was nothing to smile about. "At first, I lost him because he loved the sea too much. He was a free spirit, always wanting to break away and go. I am and have always been happy with my feet on the ground."

She still remembered Emir's easy smile and twinkling eyes as if he was there beside her just yesterday and not eleven years ago. Master Kell didn't interrupt, his focus on her.

"We loved each other, enough to compromise. I used to wait for him to return from privateering. Months and months of waiting for a single night with him." The fights were the worst. She never wanted to keep him away from his passion, but she had felt like he didn't care for her. "It was hard, but we made it work. Until the pirate ship attacked and killed my Emir."

Master Kell dragged in a loud breath.

She laughed. "It was horrible. I was angry at everything, but most of all, I blamed the sea. It took me a long time to admit I should have expected this. I was going to lose him either way. In this way, I got his love, I know he loved me until his death. I'm happy now."

"Why didn't he stay with you?" She wanted to laugh at how protective Master Kell sounded, offended on her behalf. He was still too young and inexperienced to understand.

"Oh, he would have. Had I asked him to. I couldn't ask that of him. He would have grown to resent me and I didn't want that. If only I had been brave enough to follow him..." she sighed.

"You had duties here, responsibilities-"

"No, I didn't. I was free. I could have followed him. But I didn't because I didn't want to be as free as him. Unlike you, Master Kell, I didn't have any intention of leaving." She folded the cloak in her hands. "I will not leave the land."

He didn't meet her gaze. "It's not the same," he whispered.

"It's definitely not. You're much braver than I am. You remind me a bit of Emir, his constant need to have freedom."

Master Kell wasn't breathing, but she was going to drive the nail inside his head.

"One day, you can follow her into the sea," she said gently. "Away from all of these...obligations."

"I can't leave my brother."

"Your brother will understand."

He shook his head. Calla felt defeated, felt as if she didn't do enough.

"An _Antari_ out in the sea spells disaster." The edge of his mouth quirked. "Plus, I don't know how to sail."

Unbidden, her eyes filled with tears. Her heart ached to comfort him, somehow. In these last few months, the Prince had become someone close to her; a friend, a confidant or, she might as well say it, a son.

She wanted to protect him. But how? How could she protect an _Antari_ from his own choices?

"I just wish..." she trailed off, determined not to say anything more. To say what she wanted was heresy.

Master Kell's hands wrapped around her wrists. He squeezed them, his expression soft and understanding, making her realize she didn't need to speak those words out loud.

He dropped his hands and stepped back. Clearing his throat, he asked, "I think I'll take four. Enough to bundle up my brother, I think."

Sniffing, she collected the cloaks. She gave him a smile, hoping he understood the intense affection and trust laced in it.

"I will pack them, _mas vares_."

* * *

Lila's appearance was a welcome surprise. Calla had missed the girl more than she could put into words.

She hoped Lila took into account her parting words. Calla knew she shouldn't have spilled Master Kell's secrets, but he needed some help in romance. The boy was woefully unprepared.

She was ecstatic to see the man of the hour step inside her shop just a few minutes after Lila's departure.

" _Avan!_ " She greeted him too cheerfully. She was brimming with excitement, tenaciously holding onto her mouth to deliver the news calmly. "Master Kell!"

She curtseyed. As usual, he reached out and guided her up. "Come now, Calla, there's no need for that."

Did he know? Did he know Lila was here minutes ago?

There was an odd sheen in his eye. Calla wished he had arrived some time ago. Now, she was going to miss their reunion.

"What brings you to my shop tonight, _mas vares_?" Her tone was not as casual as she wanted it to be.

He spotted the box Lila had given her. As if drawn by her presence, he fidgeted with it, running his hands over the pretty design.

"Oh, I found myself in the market, and thought I would come and see that you are well."

"You do me too much honor," she said, her smile widening. She needed to tell him right now. "And if you were coming to see about that debt, you should know that it has recently been paid."

Master Kell's hand slipped from the box. He fixed her with his gaze, his face a mixture of longing and repressed excitement.

And love. Always, love.

"What? _When?_ "

"Indeed. Only a few minutes ago."

He didn't bother to say goodbye, not that she minded. He lunged out of the tent, disappearing into the night. She collapsed into giggles, tears sliding out of her eyes in happiness.

"Finally. Finally!"

She giggled for a long time, cried for even longer. She wondered how they would reunite. Would the Prince confess at the sight of her or was Lila going to bring up his visits?

Feeling utterly content, she got up.

" _Fal Chas_ ," she muttered to the wind as she resumed her work.


End file.
